So lucky.

Please excuse me while I get really sappy and emotional for a minute.

Tonight as I was driving home, I glanced in my rear view mirror and caught the reflection of Kendall's sweet little face smiling in her sleep, in the mirror mounted on the headrest.

I wanted to stop time and freeze it at that very moment.

How did I ever get so lucky?

How is this perfect little girl mine?

I started thinking about how incredible it is that if I hadn't gotten pregnant that day....that minute....that second....even that millisecond....she would not be here today. What would my life be like today without her?

After I saw her face for the very first time, I fell in love in a way I never knew existed.

I catch myself staring at her each day, in awe of what we've created. She has my temper and impatience, and her fathers incredible eyelashes and smile.

I sit and wonder what she'll be like when she gets older. What will she look like? What will she become? I can't wait to see her grow, but I don't want to wish her life away.

Right now she is in her swing, fighting sleep and laughing. Squealing, smiling, and making noises to keep herself awake.

I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face.

I'm pathetic.

And I'm so lucky.

I ran across a quote recently that I plan to frame and hang on Kendall's wall that sums up exactly how I feel in 13 simple words....

"Because I remember life without you, and I never want to go back."

So happy......so lucky......

Kendall at 4 months!

I've been meaning to post this for a couple weeks now, but time got away from me. So...this is really Kendall's 4 "and a half" month update!

Here she is at 1, 2, 3, and 4 months!

Height:

25 inches, 5 inches longer than when you were born. You're in the 68th percentile.

Weight:

16 pounds 3.5 ounces. 9 pounds more than when you were born! You're in the 84th percentile. You're a healthy girl....and I wouldn't want you any other way!

Eyes:  Still not quite sure! They’re such a pretty gray/blue/brown/green combination! I can’t wait to see what they end up being.

Hair: Not sure about this right now either! You had more of it when you were born…you lost almost all of it, including your little mullet in the back! But its coming back slowly…and lots of people say it’s going to be red like mine. BUT…I’m not sure. In some lights it looks red, and in some it looks brown. Actually, in some lights it looks a little blonde too—so you have me really confused!

Sleep: Oh Kendall….sweet, sweet, Kendall….you used to sleep so well (through the night!) and now you don’t sleep more than 3 hours at a time (on a good night!). It’s frustrating, and I hope you revert back to your old ways soon. Mommy is T-I-R-E-D. When your reflux was so bad, we got into a habit of always holding you when you slept during the day, and having you in bed with us at night. Now those are very hard habits to break. In our defense, it was the ONLY way you’d sleep back then…and with the reflux you were in so much pain that we wanted you to be comfortable and SLEEP when you were tired. We’re trying to break those habits and at this very moment you’re sleeping in your CRIB (!!) and have been there for about 45 minutes! It wasn’t pretty getting you to fall asleep in there…but it’s a first step. Now if only I can keep it up...I think it's harder on me than it is on you!

Food: We attempted rice cereal the other night and you were NOT a fan.

 

We thought you were ready because you basically lunge at us when WE eat…but apparently you’re either not ready, or you want to try something other than that nasty rice cereal. We’ll try again next week.

Things you love:

*Bath time! This is your special time with Daddy. I’m in charge of undressing you, leaning on the tub and talking to you, and helping to dry you off—but other than that, Daddy’s in charge. Since he can’t feed you, that’s his special time with you—and you love it. It brings me to tears almost every time as you smile and giggle and Daddy gives you lectures on how you’re not allowed out of the house until you’re 40. You also love the little heater we bring into the bathroom during bath time. You’re not spoiled or anything….

*When we clap and say “yippieeee!” and “yaaaay” and “yaaahooo!” Yes, we look like complete fools, but we don’t care. We’ll do anything to see that gummy grin of yours.

*Your feet. You’ve discovered them even more lately and love grabbing onto them while we’re changing your diaper or while you’re sitting in your Bumbo. You think it’s pretty funny that they’re actually attached to your body.

*When Daddy walks toward you with his mouth wide open from across the room, with his hands out, saying “I’m gonna get you!” Your whole body tenses and you shake with excitement!

*When we change your diaper. SOMETIMES.

*Your teething rings. You hold onto those suckers with both hands and gnaw on them forever.

*Your fingers. If you’re not chewing on them, you’re shoving them down your throat and gagging yourself, which you also think is pretty funny.

*Your Fisher Price Laugh & Learn Workbench. We bought this for your friend Luke’s first birthday but you loved it so much we bought you one too. It lights up and sings songs and you’ve even learned to press the buttons on your own. Smart girl!

*Getting your nose cleaned out with a Q-tip. Yes, really. You’re strange.

*Making noises and "talking" to us. We like to pretend we know what you're saying, and carry on conversations with you. The things we do to keep you entertained! 

*When you wake up in the middle of the night and we turn the night light on. When you see us, you give the BIGGEST smile and start flailing your arms and legs. You’re so cute at 2am that I almost forget how tired I am. Almost.

Things you hate:

*Getting your diaper changed when you’re hungry. You’d literally think it was the end of the world. Anyone walking by outside the house would probably call Child Protective Services if they heard the way you scream!

*When people aren’t paying enough attention to you. Drama queen.

*When you’re overtired and people you don’t know try to hold you. Sometimes you’re ok, but usually you stick your bottom lip out and let out a wail!

*Rice cereal, apparently.

*Sleeping in your crib, or anywhere away from us.

*Rolling over. I guess I wouldn’t say you HATE it…you just have no interest in doing it!

*Us trying to get you to sleep when you’re overtired. Man…you fight sleep worse than any baby I’ve ever seen in my life!

You’re growing up so fast….and I hope you know how much we love you!

Whenever I think of our struggles to get pregnant, I think to myself “if we had gotten pregnant immediately, we wouldn’t have YOU.”

And I can’t imagine life without you.

Maternity Leave = Almost Over....

I never knew that going back to work would be so hard. Everyone always told me how hard it would be, but I couldn't comprehend it until now. I am a week away from going back to work and the tears won't stop flowing!

Today, I went in to get Kendall from her crib as she was waking from a nap--and she gave me the biggest, gummiest grin, and I cried.....and cried....and cried.....

Technically, I should have returned to work 2 weeks ago--when K turned 12 weeks....but I decided early in my pregnancy that I was going to take a little longer than the typical 12 weeks. I will return to work the day Kendall turns 15 weeks.

Last time I posted, we were having a very rough time with Kendall's reflux. I am very happy to report that within days of that post--we got our happy girl back. The reflux medication she's on has helped so much, and she's pretty much outgrown the tummy troubles she was having (knock on wood!)

She amazes me each and every day. Watching her grow and learn new things....being more alert and smiling and giggling....it melts my heart. I guess I never knew this type of love until she came along! (Yes, all those corny sayings about having kids are true!)

Come on.....how cute is she!?!? Can you blame me for wanting to stay home with her forever?

Well--speak of the devil--she's waking up now and is ready to eat--so I will write more soon. I plan on spending every second of every day staring at her during this next week. Seems so surreal that she's 3 months old already....seems like just yesterday....

10 weeks old...

Tomorrow my little girl will be 10 weeks old. Hard to believe.

When I had Kendall, I envisioned myself being able to do all the same things I used to do. Keep up with my blog, craft, make nice dinners, go shopping...I was wrong.

At the 5 week mark, Kendall increasingly became more and more unhappy and uncomfortable, which was a shock after 5 weeks of having such a happy and content baby. After a grueling week of hearing her painful cry and seeing her writhe in pain (and massive amounts of google research on my part) I self diagnosed her with silent reflux--which the doctors agreed with. She doesn't spit up like a normal refluxer, it comes halfway up her esophagus and then back down--burning twice as badly as reflux.

We got her on Zantac which seemed to help for a couple weeks, and we also brought her to a chiropractor who specializes in infant care. She showed signs of improvement for a little while. However, around her 8 week mark, the Zantac either stopped working, or she built up a tolerance to it--because her symptoms and unhappiness returned.

She is now on Prevacid and it seems to be working a little bit, but it's a pain to administer (a tab thats put into a syringe with water--and must be given n an empty stomach, at least 30 minutes before eating). This means I either have to give it to her in the middle of the night while she's sleeping and hope that she doesn't wake up--or first thing in the morning--and make her wait 30 minutes before nursing her (while listening to her scream and cry the whole time). Neither option is very fun...

I've been on a dairy-free diet for 2 weeks now, to see if maybe she has a dairy intolerance, but I'm inclined to think it's NOT that. I plan on introducing dairy back into my diet in the next few days to see how she reacts. She didn't have any of the classic dairy intolerance symptoms (diarrhea, spitting up after nursing, eczema, rash, etc) but I figured it couldn't hurt to test it out. She definitely has some sort of digestive issues going on...but we don't seem to be getting many answers from the doctor as far as that goes. We were basically told that "babies cry" and that she'll grow out of it. I am fully aware that babies cry...but this is a painful cry...something very different than an "I'm hungry" or "I'm bored" cry....

Some days are good...some are not. I cry right along with her because its an awful feeling knowing that she's in pain--and I can't figure out why--and I can't help her. We've tried everything we could think of...and I know I've done my best.

I'm struggling with the thought of going back to work in 4 weeks. I'm returning at the 14 week mark rather then 12. It's still a month away, but I still bawl when thinking of being away from her. Crazy how I am so attached to such a little human being. I think of myself sitting at work, thinking of her--wondering if she's crying or in pain, an it turns me into a big, emotional, sobbing mess.

She is such a sweet girl--full of smiles and coos when she feels good. I wish she could be like that all the time...but something is obviously bothering her.

She is thriving otherwise...growing like a weed--gaining weight....her 2 month appointment has come and gone along with 3 shots which she did not care for AT ALL. The doctor said she was great in all areas and was so impressed with how much weight she can bear on her legs--and how if you hold under her armpits and guide her forward--she puts one foot in front of the other like she's walking...all the way across the table! I think she'll be an early walker...

She is such a cuddler and doesn't like to be put down (which is a bad habit that I give in to every time). Most days I have her in my arms, or the front pack...although she will occasionally be content in her bouncer for a little while. She isn't a fan of her pack and play or her crib...something I'm hoping will come with time.

Nights are something I'm very thankful for...Kendall has been sleeping through the night for a while now. Bedtime is around 8-9pm, and she usually sleeps until about 3 or 4, eats, and then goes back to sleep. We usually get up for the day around 6:30 or 7. She definitely likes her sleep at night. The only hard thing is that she's in bed with us...so when she goes to bed--we go to bed. We've tried the pack and play which is right next to our bed--but she is so restless and can sense that we aren't near her--and wakes right up. I cant say that I mind too much right now...I love having her snuggled into me...but I know i need to transition her out of our bed soon. The first night that I tried the pack and play, I cried my eyes out. I thought to myself "if I can't stand to sleep 2 feet away from her, how am I supposed to go back to work??" It's a thought I struggle with daily--but I can not stay home. I have too good of a job and pay and benefits to stay home....otherwise, I would in a heartbeat...at least for a couple years.

That's all for now. Kendall is snoozing in the front pack and I should probably get some stuff accomplished before she wakes up.

5 Weeks

Wow--has it seriously been a month since I posted last? Time is flying....and I don't like it :(

Kendall is perfect. I know I'm biased because I'm her mom....but I mean it. I can't find a single thing wrong with her.....and after spending 24 hours a day with her for the past 5 weeks--looking at every teeny detail of her long fingers, pouty lips, alert eyes, tiny ears, long toes, the roll on the back of her neck, her chubby cheeks, her double chins...I think I know her pretty well :)

I find myself on the verge of tears daily...thinking of how much I've wanted her...and how she's finally here. Growing like a weed, changing every day.

I've already started a tote with newborn clothes she's grown out of. Breaks my heart that she's growing so quickly, but I'm looking forward to the milestones that are in her near future.

I have to make a confession. I could hold her 24 hours a day and be perfectly content. All to myself--no one else. I feel selfish at times, because when I see other people holding her--I notice myself picking my fingernails frantically--thinking to myself "Kendall, wake up...cry...so you can come back to me."

Is that awful? Or is that part of being a new mom? She is only this age once--and as I've very well seen so far, it goes by too fast. It's like I want to lock myself in a room with her and stare at her and talk to her and hold her and smell her perfect little head all day long. Any second she's away from me is a second too long. I know other people are excited to see her too, and that's something I need to learn to manage.

I'm not surprised that I'm going through this stage because I have a lot of pride, and I'm very protective as well. I like MY things. "My" house...."my" baby...."my" things. I've never liked people disturbing my things, or touching my things. I remember living on campus at college and coming back from a weekend at home, seeing that people had used my computer, messed up my bed, touched my food....it drove me crazy. And even now--at work--if someone uses my phone, or my computer, or goes through my files...I find myself getting antsy and thinking to myself "don't touch my stuff!"

The same goes for my little girl, I guess....I want her all to myself. Greedy? Selfish? Maybe. But I've waited so long for her...and I cherish every little second she's in my arms.

The days go by so fast and I can't believe my maternity leave is already 5 weeks in. I can't imagine going back to work. I know it's a reality I have to face....but it's a cruel reality.

Perhaps one of the most fulfilling parts of being a parent is watching Casey with Kendall. Listening to him make up songs to sing to her while he's changing her diaper (yes, he changes her diaper--in fact--he is always offering!), listening to him tell her how beautiful she is...watching him stare at her in awe....it all brings tears to my eyes. Seems like everything brings tears to my eyes these days!

We are definitely going to have our hands full with her, as she's already proving to have an attitude like her mother! While she's nursing I will sometimes rub her back...but when she's had enough she will swat my hand away, wrinkle her nose, scrunch her eyebrows, and make a growling noise. It's adorable....but I also think it's a preview of what's to come!

I'll try to get better about posting more frequently....it's been rare where I have a stretch of time that both hands are free to type....but  lot of that is my own doing....I just can't put my little girl down.

That's all for now...I hear the little monster waking up...!