Welcome to the world, little GIRL!

Kendall Brooke Huizenga
12/21/11
7:32pm
7 pounds 3 ounces
20 inches long

The love of our life.

I decided to document Kendall's birth story before the memory fades in my mind....I never want to forget that day....

The day we've waited so long for finally arrived on December 21st, 2011--6 days earlier than expected.

At our appointment on Monday 12/19 (I was 39 weeks), I was told I was 4cm dilated and 80% effaced, and a membrane sweep was performed which can jump start labor in 24 hours.

I woke up the next morning, Tuesday 12/20--hoping to feel something......and felt nothing. I headed to work and worked the entire day, getting home around 4:15pm.

Suddenly, at 5:30pm--I felt something "different". A tightening in my stomach that was slightly painful. Hmmm....is that what a contraction feels like?

I downloaded an app on my iPhone to time contractions (my god...technology these days)....and to say that I was a FREAK about documenting them for the next few hours is an understatement. I would sit and wait for that twinge of pain and immediately click the "start timer" button on my phone. When the "pain" would subside, I would click the stop timer button and it would show me how long the contraction was and how long it had been since the last. Pretty nifty app if you ask me.... :)

To make a very long story a little shorter--here is what happened over the next 26 hours.

I had consistent contractions that were about 5 minutes apart overnight on Tuesday December 20th. Nothing excruciatingly painful, but also nothing that I could sleep through. At about 3am--we decided to call my OBGYN. The doctor on call was paged, and called me back within 15 minutes. After talking to me for a few minutes she said she didn't think I sounded like I was "in enough pain" to go to the hospital just yet. Let's just say if looks could travel through a telephone could kill, she would have dropped dead that very moment! She said she wanted my contractions 3 minutes apart rather than 5...so I hung up and unsuccessfully tried to get some sleep.

Around 9am a nurse called me to get an update on my contractions. They still weren't 3 minutes apart so she suggested that I try a warm bath. Again, if looks could travel through a phone and kill.....!

I tried the bath, and the contractions were more frequent but I still wasn't in "pain"...just uncomfortable. I called the nurse back and she said it was up to me what happened next. I told her that since I knew I was already 4cm dilated 2 days earlier and had my membranes swept--and we lived 40 minutes from the hospital--that we would feel more comfortable heading to the hospital at that point. She agreed and said she'd let the hospital know.

As we were leaving the house, I kissed my cat goodbye and burst into tears--sobbing uncontrollably. It was the last time I would leave my house on my own, responsible only for myself--without a baby and a diaper bag. Life would never be the same again....

My contractions became stronger (still not super painful) and more frequent during the 40 minute drive to the hospital--and I swear we hit every single red light on the way there. We eventually made it there and I braved the walk to the labor and delivery unit--bypassing the wheelchair. I figured some walking would get things moving! I had to sit down a few times along the way to let contractions pass--but eventually we made it to the floor we needed to be on. We checked in, they led us to Room 4, and I got my gown on and got ready to be examined.

At about 12:45pm the doctor performed a cervical check and exclaimed "Oh wow! you're 7 centimeters dilated!" (thank god we got to the hospital when we did...!!)

Here is the very last picture of me while I was pregnant...7 centimeters and still smiling. This picture makes me cry every time I look at it....a chapter of my life that has ended.....

Soon after the cervix check, my contractions got more frequent and more intense. Nothing was comfortable. I tried walking around the room, I tried the bed, I tried the exercise ball--NOTHING was bringing any type of relief. Casey had to keep reminding me to breathe through the contractions since it was my natural reaction to hold my breath. The only thing that brought semi-relief was Casey pressing on my lower back--but even then, all I could do was writhe in pain and try to breathe through each contraction.

Finally, a few hours after we arrived at the hospital, the doctor suggested that I try to labor in the tub.

YUCK. I hate tubs. I hate baths.

Much to my dismay, I got into the tub as they were filling it with warm water.

Much to my surprise, I never wanted to get out.

It was heaven.

While it didn't make my contractions any less intense, it was a distraction and allowed me to float a little and get the pressure off my back.

Perhaps the funniest part of labor--and the only time I remember laughing--was in the tub. I had gotten up early that morning, straightened my hair, put on my makeup and was all pretty and ready to go. I wanted to be one of those women who looked flawless in the first family photos. After I got in the tub, I had Casey pull my hair back so it wasn't touching the water. After a little while, the doctor came over--noticed that I looked warm, and proceeded to take a sopping wet cold washcloth and place it on top of my head. Any girl who straightens her hair KNOWS that is a huge no-no!! As she walked away, with water dripping down my face and head, I turned to Casey with my eyes bugging out, mortified, and said "she f*cked up my hair!" Casey and I got into a fit of laughter and it's a moment I will never forget. After that point I totally forgot about being flawless for photos and transformed into a sweaty, frizzy mess....

I spent a few hours in that tub and the contractions got incredibly intense and painful...the doctor checked me around 5 and said I was about 9cm dilated but my water hadn't broken yet, which was causing a lot of the pressure and pain. She gave me the option of waiting and letting my water break on its own, or having her break it for me, which would relieve pressure but make the contractions more intense since the bag of water was almost acting as a cushion against my pelvic bone. I wasn't quite ready for things to be more intense yet so we decided to wait an hour and see if my water would break on its own.

It didn't.

They had me get out of the tub which was one of the hardest things I had to do...I never wanted to get out of the tub!! Eventually I made it out and back into bed, where the doctor checked again and said I was 9.5cm dilated! Only a half centimeter before I could begin pushing! She broke my water and the feeling of relief was incredible....until the next contraction hit.

I had never felt such pain in my life. I couldn't get comfortable in any position and all I wanted was to hold Casey's hand and pull on it, while he was pulling back. I remember feeling like I was going to be sick...the pain was so intense that I felt sick to my stomach. I also remember crying out in pain that I didn't think I could do it anymore...and the doctor, nurses and Casey all reminding me that I WAS doing it, and that I was doing a great job.

The next hour or so was a blur. I remember the pain, the tears, the feeling of defeat, the look of support on Casey's face, the minute hand on the clock ticking ever so slowly....time felt like it was standing still.

I remember asking the doctor numerous times how many more minutes I had left. She replied "30" and it felt like someone had slapped me in the face. I wanted it over that very second. I remember repeatedly saying "I can't do this, I'm sorry, I can't do this" and having them reassure me that it was almost all over, and that I could in fact do it.

Suddenly my body took over and let me know it was ready to push. It was like an out of body experience, thats the only way to describe it. I couldn't control anything at that point, and the contractions and pushing came on strong and on their own. The pushing felt so hard...so difficult...so painful. I couldn't believe how bad it hurt, especially after a few of my friends had told me the pushing part wasn't that bad. The doctor kept saying I was making progress and the baby was "almost there". ALMOST there? After so long, how could he or she not be there by now?!

The doctor kept telling me to push through contractions, but I wanted that baby out so badly that I wasn't even waiting for contractions--I was just pushing non-stop. Right at the very end, after almost an hour of pushing, the doctor announced that the baby was trying to come out face up and forehead first...no wonder I had been in so much pain. I remember giving one final strong push--felt a rush of relief--and suddenly I had the most beautiful bundle of joy laying on my chest, squawking and crying. I burst into tears, Casey burst into tears, and we hugged for what seemed like eternity.

I remember repeatedly saying "is it a boy or a girl?? is it a boy or a girl??" but the doctors and nurses were so preoccupied that they either didnt hear me, or didnt have time to answer me.

Finally, they said "it's a girl!"

My heart melted, and so did Casey's. We were so completely in love.

The doctor informed us that the cord had been around her shoulder and when they pulled her out, the cord ripped off from the placenta--so instead of me delivering the placenta over the course of a few minutes, they had to manually go in and remove the placenta very quickly. This entailed their hands inside me, pulling the placenta out, with their other hands pressing forcefully on my stomach--multiple times. THAT, hurt worse than the delivery--in my opinion.

Casey cut the cord and I have never seen him so proud....

I never wanted to let her go. Little Miss Kendall Brooke Huizenga arrived at 7:32pm on 12/21/11 and had us wrapped around her finger at that very second.

She is precious...a sweetheart....and we couldn't be any happier. I am proud to say I went through the entire labor and delivery all natural, without any pain medication or epidural. I am especially proud because the doctor later informed me that the majority of women with babies that try to come out face up and forehead first (rather than face down and top of head first) have to have emergency c-sections because they just won't come out. I was determined to get that baby out one way or another, and I pushed with everything I had!

I also remember exclaiming, "I'm so glad I can prove everyone wrong that said I must be having a boy because of the way I carried in the front!!!" (haha...)

She is almost 2 weeks old already and I just can't believe it. We are so completely in love.....

 

 

 

Just as I had sobbed while leaving our house for the last time, I also sobbed the first time we arrived back home with her. Casey and I stood in the living room, hugging and crying, while our cat checked Kendall out in her carseat. We had waited so long for this little girl and she was finally here...

"Now what?" we wondered.....and it's been a ride ever since...

Kendall is a great baby who rarely fusses or cries, unless she's had a diaper explosion or is hungry. She eats like a champ and has made things pretty easy for mom and dad!

More to come once we settle into a routine. Casey headed back to work today after 2 weeks of spoiling us rotten. We miss him already! Tomorrow is Miss K's 2 week appointment so I will have to get up and ready and get her in her carseat and driven to the appointment about 30 minutes from our house. It will be our first outing without Casey, so to say I'm nervous is an understatement!!

38.5 weeks! 1.5 to go...

Can you believe there are only about 10 days until my due date!? Because I can't!

Here's the latest pic of me and the little guy or girl, at 38.5 weeks:

As you can see--baby has dropped quite drastically! 

I'm still feeling incredibly well--knock on wood. I'm still sleeping fine, moving around fine, etc. I don't have any complaints....and can honestly say I will miss being pregnant! 

We had our 38 week appointment on Monday and much to our surprise, I was already 2cm dilated and 80% effaced! I was thinking MAYBE I would be 1cm dilated and maybe 50% effaced....but no--I'm beyond that! It's so strange, though--because I havent had any (painful) contractions yet...AT ALL! My mom said she doesn't remember any strong contractions until right before labor/delivery--and we have had very similar pregnancies--so I guess when I get a strong contraction I better assume it's happening! :)

Our next appointment is in a few days--on Monday. I'll get checked again for progress....fingers crossed I've dilated more. We'll see!!

Baby is still active as ever...tossing and turning...letting me know he or she is in there waiting to meet us!

Things are slowly getting crossed off my "list" of things to do. Casey installed the carseat base and mirror into my car last night...the nursery is pretty much DONE....I still need to finish packing the hospital bag (I better do that ASAP), and I need to finish wrapping Christmas gifts also. 

10 days....wow....I can remember the day we found out we were pregnant. It feels like yesterday! Now all of a sudden the end is in sight. I know I say this almost every post--but it's exciting and scary all at the same time.

I still have my occasional meltdowns of "oh my god, how am I ever going to handle this" and "am I going to be a good mom" and "I am going to miss my space and free time" but slowly I'm getting more and more excited. I am just such an independent person that all I can focus on is that this is going to be the biggest and hardest adjustment of my life! It sounds selfish, I know--but I think every pregnant woman goes through those same thoughts. Maybe some more than others...

Well I better go cross some more things off my to-do list before it's too late :)

I'll update again after Monday's appointment. Who knows...maybe we won't even make it until Monday's appointment!

36.5 weeks.....getting so close!

First of all, I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving! We have a lot to be thankful for this year, and feel very lucky....

Baby H and I are 36.5 weeks along now!! Only 3.5 weeks (maybe more, maybe less!) to go! I can't believe how fast time is flying. I know I say that all the time--but it's true. So many women complain that their pregnancies felt like they dragged on forever, but I can honestly say mine has gone so quickly!

Here's the latest picture--taken today:

And also, the latest update to the progression/timeline picture:

We had our 36 week appointment on Monday and it went pretty well. I made sure to take my blood pressure at home that day and it was 107/77. However, when they took it at the appointment it was 160/90!

The results of my 24 hour urine collection came back fine. My blood labs were also fine. They had me do another urine sample during my appointment and that also came back fine--but still, they were hung up on my blood pressure number. It's so frustrating because I know its just my nerves and the fact that I get so anxious during doctors appointments. Always have, probably always will.

Anyway--everything is measuring right on target...Baby was estimated to be 6 pounds even during the ultrasound, and the measurements of the head, thigh bone, stomach, etc are all on target for where he or she should be at 36 weeks! I've gained 26 pounds (as of Monday) so I'm happy with that....I'm trying to be careful during these last few weeks so I don't go out of control, like I know I could!

At the end of the appointment, the doctor mentioned that if my blood pressure is still high at upcoming appointments, or gets higher (even if its fine at home) they may consider induction between 39 and 40 weeks, if I haven't gone into labor on my own by then. The thought of that completely stresses me out and I can only imagine what my blood pressure will be at my next appointment since I will be so freaked out about it. *sigh*....we're taking it week by week now.....

I still feel like I have so much to do before Baby gets here. In fact, the night that we got home from our 36 week appointment, I totally lost it and had a major meltdown. I cried over EVERYTHING. The fact that I was frustrated with my blood pressure, the fact that I don't want to stress about being induced, the fact that if I'm induced a week early--thats a week less that I have to prepare.....I started thinking about how in a matter of weeks I will go from only caring for myself to caring for a BABY that I have no idea how to take care of...I was a mess....a complete mess!! I feel better now....but boy, that was a rough night!

I feel so selfish saying this, but I feel more nervous and anxious than excited at this point. Will I be able to do this? Will it come to me naturally? How will I be able to handle such a huge transition? My life is never, ever going to be the same.

I'm 27 years old and I've spent 10 of those years with Casey. It's always been the 2 of us (and our cat, of course!) We've been able to do what we want, when we want, without really thinking twice. Soon....in about 25 days to be exact--we will have a brand new responsibility--that we are responsible for for the rest of our lives! I'm petrified!

I know deep down that I'll be fine....we'll be fine....and that these feelings are normal....but jeez....it's hit me all at once! Back in the beginning I was focused on the silly things...what color to paint the nursery, what to register for......and now reality is really sinking in that this is HAPPENING.....and it's so close! I told Casey I felt more ready 2 years ago than I feel now--but he says it's just because it's here now. He's right....of course....

In less stressful news, I've been working more and more on the nursery and have made more progress. We're almost done now!

The room was looking GREAT! Until it suddenly became the "Christmas Shopping Room" where I've decided to store all my purchases.....it now has reverted back to THIS:

I swear....I'll get it cleaned out eventually.....hopefully before the baby gets here!

In other exciting news--we had a maternity photo session with the very talented Maegan from Mae Memories Photography this past weekend, and here are 5 preview pictures from our session. I love them and can not WAIT to see more!!

AND, I've now had THREE surprise baby showers! My coworkers threw one for me yesterday and I was so surprised! Who has 3 showers!? Lucky girls like me, apparently :) I didn't take many pictures--but here are a few...

 The DELICIOUS cupcakes my friend and coworker Tiffany made!

 Decorations!

 Food, fruit salad baby carriage, decorations.....so cute!

 A very blurry picture of me in the elevator--going down to the surprise. You can see something on the floor of the elevator--those were little pink and blue baby footprint cut-outs! Adorable...! They led me to the elevator, and then down to the conference room. Such a cute idea!

Whew....it's been busy since I posted last!

Our next appointment is Monday (we're doing weekly appointments now!! EEK!) and I will be 37 weeks. Wow.....

I think we've decided on a boy name and a girl name (and no, we aren't telling!) so that's a relief. Well, I say that now but we'll probably change our mind again! I still have no feeling one way or the other...although the other night I was convinced it was a BOY, but then when I woke up in the morning I was back to feeling completely 50/50! I love it....it makes it even more exciting and even more of a surprise!

Ok, enough for now. I'll post more after our next appointment. Fingers crossed that I can control my blood pressure and they don't mention the "I" word again....(induction). I just want everything to happen on its own!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I just wanted to write a quick post and wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you all get to spend it with friends and family, and recognize everything you have to be thankful for. Life gets rough, and sometimes it's hard to find those things that you should truly be thankful for. Remember that someone always has it worse than you--no matter how hard you think your life is.

This year, more than ever, I am thankful.

Thankful for my family.
Thankful for my friends.
Thankful for the little baby boy or girl I've been growing for the last 8 months.
Thankful for the health of myself, my family, and my friends.
Thankful for a good, secure job.
Thankful for my home.
Thankful for every single thing I have in my life.

Last year at this time, we had just suffered a loss. I didn't feel thankful for anything except my supportive family and friends. This year, I have a squirmy baby in my belly who will be ready to greet the world in a matter of weeks. Next year at this time, we will have a son or a daughter to celebrate with--and even more to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Another week down! 34.5 weeks....5.5 to go!

Well...one more week down! Baby and I are one week bigger and one week closer to December 27th!

Here's the latest pictures at 34.5 weeks:

We had our 34 week appointment on Monday...and it went OK. I say "OK" rather than great--because it was just a really annoying appointment in general....

First of all we saw a nurse that we hadn't seen before--and we weren't really fond of her. I got weighed and actually lost a pound from our 32 week appointment (total gain is 25 pounds now). I'm feeling good about the weight gain and hope not to gain TOO much more over the next 6 weeks. However, Thanksgiving is totally going to blow that for me....

We then went into the exam room and then nurse proceeded to say I was 33 weeks and 5 days. I told her no--I was 34 weeks exactly. She tried telling me I was due on December 29th and that was news to me! We had been told since the very beginning that our due date was December 27th. She wouldn't let it go--and I wouldn't let it go either....and eventually I proved her wrong. Apparently someone at a prior appointment had input my due date incorrectly...and I am in fact due on December 27th as I thought. I know a couple days doesn't make THAT big of a difference--but come on...who wants to be told that they have an extra 2 days to go!? :)

So then as the nurse is going to take my blood pressure she says "so, your blood pressure is usually really high here...." and then begins to pump the cuff. Hmmm...if my blood pressure wasn't high before that comment, it certainly would be after! My heart started racing and I felt myself holding my breath and concentrating on it waaay too much. My blood pressure before I left home that day was 91/56....and when she was finished taking it at the office she proceeded to tell me it was 140/100! 

She said she wanted me to do another urine sample, like they did at the last appointment--to check for protein, which is a sign of preeclampsia and/or hypertension.

She took the sample and then said the doctor would be in shortly. I wasn't too concerned because my last sample was fine, I haven't had any significant weight gain or swelling, and I was feeling great.

The doctor came in eventually and she was the one who couldn't find the heartbeat back at one of our early appointments. I already had a bad feeling about the appointment just because of that! She walked in, said in a very somber tone "well...we'll talk about your blood pressure at the very end of the appointment."

I looked at Casey and we both KNEW it wasn't good news. My mind started bouncing from one thought to the next....I have preeclampsia, I will probably be put on bed rest, I will have to begin maternity leave early, I am going to be induced early, etc...etc...

I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the appointment. We heard the heartbeat which was perfect....my belly measured exactly 34 weeks, my weight gain was fine, she could feel that the baby moved to the head down position....everything was fine. But my mind was too wrapped up in the fact that she wanted to "discuss" my blood pressure at the end of the appointment.

The end of the appointment arrived and she began by saying "I'm concerned that your blood pressure is so high here at the office." I explained that it's always very low at home...but she didn't really seem to care. She kept sighing and thinking, and looking up at the ceiling, pondering, contemplating....drawing our 15 minute appointment into an hour (not joking). FINALLY, she said "well...your urine sample today was clear....no protein."

I could have leapt off the examining table and strangled her! I said "wait--WHAT? There was NO protein in the sample--so I'm FINE???"

She responded, "well, technically, yes."

I had just spent the last 45 minutes so upset, on the verge of tears--believing that I had preeclampsia and the remainder of my pregnancy would be one big ball of stress. But no.....I was fine.....

She said she wanted to check my blood pressure again--and that she was going to go get a stethoscope. She left the room and didnt come back for 5-10 minutes--and when she did come back--she was empty handed. She explained that she had spoken with another doctor and apparently had missed the last chart review and the general consensus was that I should have extra blood labs done to check my kidney and liver levels (those give insight into hypertension/preeclampsia as well) and that they wanted me to do a 24 hour urine collection at home.

So yes--it was an annoying appointment--one I was glad to get over with!

To make a very long story short--they drew my blood, my labs came back VERY normal, and today I am spending the day collecting my urine in a sterile jug EVERY SINGLE TIME I pee--and keep it refrigerated! A big ugly orange urine collection container is now sitting in the door of our fridge....appetizing!  I'll drop it off at the hospital lab tomorrow morning, when the 24 hours is complete. I'm fully expecting (and hoping) the sample comes back clear and it will be proven that I simply have white coat syndrome at the doctors office and not hypertension or preeclampsia. 

Our next appointment is 11/28 where we will have a quick ultrasound to check the weight estimate of the baby, the position, etc! Very exciting! At that point I will have 4 weeks left! I honestly can't believe how fast time has flown by....

Besides that--not much else is new. Casey is back from Ohio and I am very happy about that! It was a long 12 days...

I also noticed that Casey and I don't have a single picture together during the time I've been pregnant--so we set up a maternity photo session on Sunday 11/27! I am so excited and looking forward to having some beautiful pictures of the 2 of us!  

That's it for now--looking forward to another quick week...especially with Thanksgiving thrown in there! :)

Nursery progress...and another baby shower!

Can't believe there are only about 6 weeks left until Baby H makes his or her arrival!!

This past week was pretty busy for me since I'm preparing for another craft show. The show is tomorrow, and I feel pretty well set--so now I have a chance to sit down and relax!

Casey has been gone (hunting trip in Ohio) for a little over 8 days now, and he wont be back until Monday....so it's been pretty quiet and lonely around my house! The cat doesn't talk much, and all Baby H does is kick and jab me :) Being alone was nice for a day or 2....but I'm ready for him to come home! I'm one of the lucky ones who actually enjoys and WANTS to spend time with my husband....I know that's a concept that some people find hard to grasp--but I actually enjoy being with him, and would rather be with him than anywhere else! I don't "look forward" to him going on his hunting trips--because I miss him! I always hate when people say "oh give it a few years, you'll be GLAD he's gone for a week!" because I just don't think that's true....we've been together for almost 10 years now and I've never looked forward to him leaving! I guess I'm just lucky I found someone I care about so much :)

Last time I posted, I mentioned the dresser we refinished was all done! Well the nursery was a WRECK due to all the gifts from my first shower....and when the dresser was finished I felt that I could finally go through and wash all the clothes and blankets and get them folded and put in the dresser. THIS.....is what I had for laundry that day!

The room was an absolute disaster area--but I went through and found a home for everything--and the room eventually turned into THIS:

Not bad.....it's getting there! I still need to make a curtain or valance, and hang the fabric embroidery hoops I made...and the mirror...and some other wall stuff....and finish the bookcase and get it in there....ok--so I guess I still have a lot to do!

ANYWAY--I was feeling good about the progress I had made, and then the next day my parents had invited me to breakfast with them and my grandma. We went, and on the way home my mom mentioned she had to drop something off at the school for the Harvest Dinner. I didn't think anything of it, and we pulled in, and then I noticed I recognized a lot of the cars in the parking lot!! Then it clicked....I think I was tricked and brought to another surprise shower!!

Sure enough, I walked in to friends and family, all gathered together to celebrate Baby H :) I felt so loved!!

Unfortunately I did't get a ton of pictures, but my friends Jess and Lindsay, my mom, and my in-laws, did a wonderful job planning and decorating and surprising me once again!

Here are some snapshots from the day--no pictures of me or any guests though---oops!

 Gifts!!

 DELICIOUS cupcakes supplied by Lindsay, and adorable printables made by Jess!

 I got so many kind words on these "advice for mommy-to-be" printables that Jess made...and this one from my friend Caitlin made me laugh so much!

 Another great idea, by Jess. "Wishes for Baby"....I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry when I went through and read what all my guests filled out....Baby H has some very loving people in his or her life!

 So much delicious food! Too bad I was full from breakfast already!

 Jess made the CUTEST invitations--I love them!

 My table of gifts, and the Welcome banner made by Lindsay. Too cute!

So yes--it was a such a surprise--and I had a wonderful day. And after spending the previous day cleaning the nursery and getting it spotless--it once again turned into THIS, after the shower!

It's all worth it, though! So many kind gifts, so many generous people....I feel so lucky!

Tomorrow is the craft show, Sunday is relaxing, Monday Casey gets home (YAY!) Tuesday is our 34 week appointment, Thursday is an infant care class we're taking, and then the following week it's already Thanksgiving! BUSY!!!

That's all for now....I'll update again after our 34 week appointment, and will post an updated Erin & Baby H belly picture next week as well :)